Friday, September 6, 2013

Be Careful What You Ask For

Because you just might get it.

Oh sure, it might be a good four or five years later, when you aren't entirely sure that that is what you want anymore, but whatever :)

Why was the move from Texas to Utah so hard for me. I've pondered that a lot, especially lately. Do I hate Utah? Nope. It's gorgeous (though I'm the first to admit that snow is only fun for like 24 hours, maybe 48 tops). Do I hate family? Nope, quite like them actually. I love having my kids know their grandparents and extended family members better. So, what was my problem moving back here? Why did I spend my entire first year of living in Utah pining away for Texas?

I have a few ideas -

* Having to rent our house out in Texas, and having the first renters be complete morons who smoked in our house and had three Rottweilers and payed rent intermittently and partially, at best.
* Having three young children at home and no one in school. That's a rough year no matter where you live.
* Moving in to a mouse infested, dark basement apartment
* Having that basement apartment be in a neighborhood where every other resident was about 10-15 years older and earned about ten times more a year than we did. It took me a while to realize that we didn't just move in to a bum ward-- we were just not at the same stage of life as those people. Someone who is home all day with three small kids NEEDS playgroups and joyschools, etc. Someone who has all of their kids off at school does not. There were, honestly, only two other girls who were home all day with very young children. And I love them both still to this day :)
* Leaving a life behind that I loved. So, I built a life in Texas. I had friends and neighbors who I loved. I had things I did. I had a routine. I had a life. Anytime you move away from a life you have taken years to build it is a little heartbreaking.

So all of that combined in to a crazy depression cycle. It only lasted about a year. And then a bunch of things changed, all at once. So I am not sure what to credit for pulling me out of the doldrums.

*We moved in to a light and bright house. Sure it had the occasional mouse, like once a year. Not the six a day we caught through our entire nine month tenure in the mouse house.
* Gwen started kindergarten. Much rejoicing.
* I joined the gym! I was getting physical exercise for myself and a break from my children (a break where they got to have tons of fun!). Best decision I ever made! And seriously it is going to be my new advice for first time moms. "There are magical places that will watch your children for an hour or two so you can shower in peace! Or read a book on a sofa in peace! Or stare at a wall in peace! Or, if you are feeling extremely motivated-- workout - IN PEACE!". Ha ha. Seriously though, I was a member of Lifetime Fitness for at least a month before I actually worked out. I'd check in the kids, slip in the hot tub and soak my problems away. It was dreamy.
* We got new renters in our Texas house. I still wake up in a cold sweat on the first of every month, stressed about whether the rent check will come in... and it always does. I am so grateful for the new people that moved in to my Texas house. I don't know that anyone will ever understand the extreme anxiety that our first renters put upon me.

So life got better. I met some amazing friends. We've loved the law school experience. My kids are growing up and are not so completely reliant on me for everything.

Life is good.

I love a good adventure. You know I do. I loved living in Oregon, Minnesota, Texas and Utah. Each place has introduced me to amazing people, given me a new perspective, helped me figure out who I am, and on and on. But as I am getting older, and more importantly, as my kids are getting older. I find myself longing to just stay put. Let my kids attend the same school for two years in a row. That kind of thing.

It's taken me a couple years but I finally have a crazy group of friends, who I love. A dear friend from Minnesota moved in, five minutes away! I am meeting people weekly in this ward who I adore. Saratoga Springs is just gorgeous, and amazing. My kids are happy in school. I live on a cul-de-sac. There's an 11 year-old who LOVES to babysit, right next door! The houses in this neighborhood are so generously spaced out, it's fantastic. We go hiking. We go camping with my sister (having a sister with a trailer and a lot of camping supplies is a great thing to have!). We spend Sunday nights chatting away at our parents houses.  I am comfortable!

I mean, sure, a paycheck would be nice and comfortable!

And so of course, now, a good three years since my daily pining for Texas, now we go and decide to move back. Now, when I am pretty sure I will bawl my eyes out for a good few months or years.

Life is crazy sometimes.

But, we got this.

(Remind me of that when I am huddling in my closet during a Texas thunderstorm *shudder* - that's one thing I never missed :)).

I got this.