Monday, April 7, 2008

Be it ever so humble...

My Mother-in-Law once shared with me that the secret to impressing guests with your house is to clean your front door. If your front door sparkles you don't have to do nearly as much work inside because your guest already thinks you are an immaculate housekeeper. I thought this was pretty good advice, and I have tried to follow it. It worked especially well in our house because our door is the most beautiful color of brown and really compliments the Texas limestone exterior. It is this really dark dark dark brown (some, Ralphie, would call it black- but I would call her wrong. It's dark dark dark beautiful brown). I have always been proud of our front door.
Cue the dogs. They got out (again) a couple of weeks ago. I have given up running around half-clad looking for them when they run away. I figure they will either come back or if they get lost they deserve whatever happened to them. So I saved myself the trouble of prancing around in my robe chasing the gruesome twosome. They did come back. They came back while I was doing something else that required my attention. So they scratched on the door. When I went to go get them there was a chip of paint off of my beautiful door. Dang dogs. Oh well. Brought them inside and didn't think much of it.

Well day turns to night and night turns to day and three days later that chip of paint is a full blown disaster. It kept chipping away and away. Since my Mother-in-Law was coming soon I figured I ought to repair the paint chip, because she said that thing about front doors, you know?

And now I would like to just send a shout out to all of my "you can do anything" friends. I can't. I shouldn't. Please quit inspiring me to attempt projects that are way beyond the scope of my ability. My friends (yes I mean you Ralphie, Meleah, Janssen, Jamie, Laurie, Stef, Kayla, anyone reading this) are really good at fixing things and making things beautiful. Homemakers in the very sense of the word. They are so good and make it look so easy that I find myself thinking that I could just about do anything. I love my friends and I want to impress them with my skills, so I try to do the things they do and it just does not work.

To give you a sense at how incapable I am; I spent a good twenty minutes staring at paint cans before I figured out that you had to ask the guy to add the color in for you. My mental conversation went something like....
"Hmmm, I would like my door to still be brown, let's see here.......okay they've got white......eggshell......neutral white...........pure white.........ultra white..........crest white strip white........heaven white..........hm I wonder where all the other colors are.......maybe they are behind all of these variations of white (commence the removing of the first layer of paint cans).......this is so weird, am I just like in the white section or something? This is Home Depot for crying out loud.....HOME DEPOT, you'd think they would have more than just dang white. I don't want a white door".

It took a long ol' while before I figured out they made your color right there for you. I mean I knew they did that for, like, picky people, I just wanted a dang can of paint. Anyway, my head nearly imploded when I saw all of my choices. I made a choice. Chocolate sparkle.

I don't know how to paint. Blaine does not know how to paint. I figured I would need to get the old paint off the door; but did anyone bother to tell me there was such a thing as paint stripper? No. Did I attack my door with a credit card and steak knife? Yes. Does it look like Edward Scissorhands locked himself out of my house? Yes.

This is what my door looked like after two days of "paint stripping" Kristi style. Nothing says welcome to our home like.....




Houston, we have a problem. Mother-in-Law is coming in 48 hours ( or at least she was when the door looked like this). It looks a little worse than just a small chip in the bottom of the door doesn't it?

I need to find a hobby or something I am really really good at before I let this whole "I ruined my front door and can't help but be embarrassed anytime anyone sees it" thing gets to my self esteem.

Help.

P.S. I knew you would want to see pictures of me doing this, but I couldn't take them. It was extra bad because I didn't like have a gas mask or whatever you are supposed to wear when ruining your front door, so I was wearing Gwen's Dora sunglasses (instead of safety goggles) and had a white handkerchief tied around my mouth and nose. It was really quite the most humiliating thing to be out there demolishing the doors. There goes the neighborhood. Why couldn't it have been my back door?

21 comments:

Joe Speredon said...

Kristi-Have you ever considered a career in stand-up comedy? These stories, along with inflection in your voice would be even more hilarious. Sorry about the door. Might I suggest you go with the black. Paint over everything. Black covers other colors well. And when the next chip comes, black will cover that too. Or buy a new "brown" door and buy a couple of spares.

Julie said...

I like his suggestion of buying a couple of spare doors! Good luck finishing it and make sure you let us see the finished product!

Courtney said...

I think you should get an A++ for effort! You are amazing atleast you tried. And I agree you should try stand up maybe that should be your hobby!

TheMoncurs said...

Bwahahaha that is classic.

Also, may I make a humble suggestion? Email me (or really, anyone in that list) before you start your next project. It could save you a lot of pain.

TheMoncurs said...

PS Wood stripper scares me. I use an electric sander. And I don't wear safety goggles or a mask and I worry about that the whole time I'm sanding something down. So extreme points to you for at least trying to protect yourself!

Julie said...

Definitely an A+++++ for effort! You go girl! Anyway, I wouldn't have even bothered stripping it and simply would have painted over it. But my ways are oh so not professional :)

Andrea said...

Kristi - I just saw "the mother-in-law" heading to the airport a few minutes ago - So, she will be there soon! Maybe she can paint the door for you? :) Have a fun time with the visit. She was so excited to come see you. Good luck with the door. Make sure to post an "AFTER" picture so that we all don't think your front door stayed like that.

kateworthi said...

Yes, I'd definitely like to see the "after" picture too. Kris - you are Hilarious! I'm so sorry that's been such a pain. To avoid this in the future, maybe you should just get rid of the dogs... :) Just kidding - I know you can't because you love them too much! I would just want to, especially after all this... :)

Kathrin Paul said...

Oh my heck. I second the stand up comedy gig proposal. Or at least a blogger of professional proportions. I want you to do a syndicated newspaper article or something. YOU CRACK ME UP!!!

Gretchen said...

Please tell me everything you learn in this process - I've been nervously procrastinating painting my own front door to look just like yours. I mean, to look like it looked before, of course.

Aimee said...

Kristi,
You are hilarious! I loved the Edward Scissorhands comment -- I laughed out loud. Good luck with the door!

Sheyenne said...

Oh my WORD! Could you please leave it like that because my door has different color paint streaks where the previous owners tried to touch up with a slightly lighter color and I always think my front door looks terrible. THIS makes me feel much better about my door.

Laurie said...

HILARIOUS! I swear some things could only happen to you. This will sound ultra unprofessional, but I am all about spray paint. Seriously, the more I use it (for furniture, projects, etc.) the more I love it!!!

Melissa Ash said...

I can NOT WAIT for the update!! Thank you for the good laugh!!

Stefanie Miller said...

You're one of a kind, Kris. Can't wait to see the end results. Hope you're having fun with Wendy.

Shauna said...

Wow, that steak knife of yours is really coming in handy, isn't it! Edging lawns, stripping paint...I give you major kudos for creativity. I've repainted my front door before, but I just sanded it and avoided the paint stripping step. Good luck. I wish I lived nearby, cause that sounds like just the kind of project I would want to insert myself into for the fun of it. Enjoy your mother-in-law's visit!

Janssen said...

Kristi, I hate to say this, but we just painted our door this week and bought exterior paint with primer mixed in. We didn't even strip our door because we are lazy and it look great (it will look even better when we put the second coat on, but even one is fine).

I guess, as I think about it, my decorating style is lazy. And so far it's worked out okay.

Wendy/mom said...

Hello from the mother-in-law who the door was painted for!!! I read this blog after I got home from my wonderful trip to Round Rock. Kristi is such a great hostess and made me feel so welcome for the week. I had no idea I had ever said that about doors and that I could cause such a stir. But may I say that the door looked great. I saw it for myself so you must believe me. Actually, since I didn't even remember the old door in great detail I had no idea that this was a newly painted door. Meaning that the door looked great, just like that last time I visited in Oct.

Moral of the story - we are all too hard on ourselves, especially when our mother-in-law comes. I love you Kristi. Thanks again.

Linds said...

I'm sitting in the library catching up on your blog and had an extremely difficult time stifling my gut wrenching laughter while reading this story. I think the lady next to me might be a little annoyed... you are sooooooo funny! My heavens I would recommend your blog to my friends even if they don't know you just because you are such a fabulous writer and so fun to read! Thanks for the great post! And I'm happy to hear the door turned out looking just great for mother-in-law in the end. :)

Robin said...

I just read this post for the umpteenth time and still bust up! I referenced it on one of my posts. Welcome back from vacation.

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