Thursday, May 28, 2009

Going Pro

A couple of days ago I did some thinking and decided that I would like to become a career woman. Ideally Blaine would quit his job and be a stay at home Dad and I would be the one bringing home the bacon. Unconventional I know, but really it taps both of our talents*. He is a talented Dad, I am a talented** career woman. Plus I already do most of the driving so it's not like people don't think we're weird anyways.

The only problem is that with my Sociology degree I can't really get the kind of jobs that make the kind of money that our lifestyle necessitates, seeing how we like to eat and stuff. So this whole scheme requires that I go back to school. From what I can figure the only way I can make enough money to feed all of the little mouths around here is if I go to nursing school***.

I did some rough calculations and it will only take us 16 years to save the $16,000 I will need to complete a second bachelors degree in nursing. Which kind of stinks because then the kids will be all raised by the time I get to start my career womanhood and Blaine will get to be a stay-at-home dad when there is no one to stay at home with, totally not fair.

So that combined with my aversion to bodily fluids has got me considering other methods of making money. We all know the photography thing isn't going to work. At least not until I get my hands on an expensive camera, and poets don't get famous until they're dead, so that's no good either. Plus most of the time I enjoy being a stay at home mom, so I've got to think of something else.

The way I see it I have no choice but to blog professionally.

I hear people like Pioneer Woman and even TAMN pull in thousands of dollars a month, all by simply blogging. So, this blog needs to transform into a money making machine. Quickly****, if that's at all possible.

Now, I think PW gets about 11 billion hits a day, and right now I get about 65. So I have a bit of work to do. After many hours spent studying my google analytics and sitemeter accounts and reading literature on the subject, I have devised a four step plan to make this blog skyrocket to stardom...

Step 1: Either bare a child or post about silverware on a daily basis. The number of people visiting the blog at least doubles on those days. The day after I had Ivy I got 160 hits! My second highest hit day? Yesterday, when I posted about silverware being loaded into a dishwasher properly. This leaves me no choice but to continue procreating at a rabbitual pace to keep my page hits high. It won't be easy, but once the children are born I get to be a career woman and lock myself in the office***** and Blaine will be doing the raising of the offspring, so it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

Step 2: Must start proofreading. I absolutely loathe proofreading. I loathe all things that remind me of school and work, so this one will be a toughie. But as I reread past entries it is glaringly obvious that I got improper grammar; punctuation; and poor speling. Blaine says it's endearing. I don't know though.

Step 3: Must inundate readers with ads. Sorry about this, but Janssen is pulling in about $4.00/year with her google ads. Multiple streams of income, that's what it's all about.

Step 4: Must befriend famous bloggers. I've got to get on the radar of the likes of P-dub, Nie-Nie, etc. So please leave witty comments on their blogs while signed in as me on blogger. Thanks.

Oh and it would totally help if you could focus a good portion of your own blog posts around me and how awesome my blog is and stuff like that, links included. Sure appreciate it.

I guess I should also consider the connections I already have too. I am pretty tight with a famous columnist. Jody Genessy of the Deseret News...TOTALLY my cousin. Maybe he can somehow help make me famous. Though I would maybe have to start blogging about sports more often...meh, okay. And that is officially my only connection. Dang.

And if I am to be famous like PW I am going to have to start considering Swiper one of my official "offspring" and take his picture and start finding him endearing and all that. Not to mention start taking pictures of the food I make. So I guess the professional photography thing kind of goes hand in hand with being a professional blogger, fannnnntastic. And I would probably have to host my own site which already kills the profit I plan to make from google ads.

Kind of makes the professional blogging thing not really an option either, sigh. Goodbye sand and water table. I guess I will just have to stick to dumpster diving, cereal gambling and garage sale rummaging******.

*Seriously, Blaine is the best Dad EVER, and I am seriously such a fast typer. But really... Blaine's talents are totally wasted on him being an engineer. He's good at that too, but he would be an excellent teacher, or stay at home Dad.

**Based solely on my typing speed.

***Not nursing nursing school, I've already got that down, plus that only feeds one mouth.... Get it "nursing" school....mouths to feed...nursing babies...bwahahaha. Okay, no more blogging at 1 AM.

**** There is a really cool sand and water table on sale at and I need to earn enough to buy it before it goes off sale ($52- shipped!)

*****Assuming I make enough to buy a house that has an office

******Remember that Kelty backpack carrier? You know, the one I paid twenty dollars for? Selling it to someone on craigslist for $80. Kaching!


Megan Kroff said...

You just crack me up--I'm laughing so hard; it's almost 3:00am. What in the world? Am I reading this all right? You're just amazing at what you do (typing and all)!

Janae said...

You are hillarious. You NEED to add google ads. You know in Texas that $4 will buy you some great stuff at a garage sale. Every little bit helps. And I thought you were already a professional.

I am thinking about making you my homepage. That would add about 4 more hits a day.

Anonymous said...

My favorite line ever:

"Multiplying at a rabbitual pace."

Laurie said...

You little stinker! I have spent 3 years looking for one of those backpacks, and when you found it, I was all noble to myself and didn't ask you to give it to me as a birthday gift for life..... all because I figured you were going to do family bonding and hiking together. But selling it? Sheesh. You are in it for the money!! :)

Laurie said...

It occurs to me that might not have really sounded that nice. Sorry. BFF

Kristi said...

Laurs, I was totally in it for family bonding and Blaine totally scoffed at the idea of going hiking as a family (three kids and hiking, seems fun to me!). So I did the next best thing and hocked it on CL. If you see one you want on Austins CL let me know and I can buy it and bring it to you. Stat.

Wendy said...

I HATE to even think of what we paid for Nick's backpack that we gave him as a graduation gift. Just like I hate thinking about what we are paying to stay in DC compared to the price you got. Holy smokes, I'm feeling discouraged!

Tom and Tami said...

65 hits a day! I average about 5 a week (feel free to visit, although not as entertaining as yours). I'm not very good on keeping up with the news, but wasn't Obama trying to pass something to help pay for mom's to go back to school? Good luck with the money making...
Maybe you could invent a silverwear loader for dishwashers that allows you to have handles up, but seperate the other end for proper cleaning and sanitation.

Emily said...

Hey Kristi, I think you mean you want to bear children daily, not bare children. (Though you'd likely make more money on bare children...)

Whatever you decide, you should probably start that proof-reading soon.

Kristi said...

Man I sat and thought about that one for a while and consulted Blaine. Oh well, adds to the endearingness, right? I am the everyman.

Emily said...

Next time ask wiki:

I don't think most people would have noticed though. And even if they do, they will keep reading and you can still make big bucks.

Heather said...

Hey he is my husband and I still hardly get anyone reading my blog ;) oh well, right?!

Anonymous said...

oh yeah, how do you know how many hits a day you get? I'd be curious to get my hands on that info myself. 65?! Geez, I guess you could compare that to 11 billion, but 65 sounds like a lot to me!!

julianne orth said...

well shara is kind of famous now, she is a reporter on the utah channel 5 news, so just get her to do a story on you some how and you will be set!

A deal stealing mom said...

Again, reading to Eric and laughing hysterically. I was sure you were getting more than 65 hits a day- really. You're an awesome, funny, witty writer, and that's what people like to read. I will do a post dedicated to you on my family blog- but I think that gets me 2 hits a day- so that might not help you. My deals blog does get more- and I think I have linked back here- but I'm not one of those serious bloggers you were talking about to help you. I honestly could see you making it big on your blog- maybe do a giveaway where people have to post something awesome about your blog to get an entry- or ask to post a funny entry on Light Refreshments Served- or some other famous site. You're really a great writer, and that person that said you could write a book, that might be an income earner- and I would buy your book because I would be laughing hysterically throughout it. You're awesome, I'm so glad you do this blog!

JoAnna said...

No seriously. You really could go pro. You are HILARIOUS! I honestly think you should be the humor columnist for Reader's Digest. NOT KIDDING!!!
I've been meaning to do a post about your blog for a long time, so I promise it will be coming soon!

Sarah said...

check this out:

then this:

You can totally do this!

Stephen Palmer said...

Kristi, not possessing the discernment to ascertain your level of seriousness through the hilarious commentary (truly), I thought I'd share a resource with you.

Click on this link:

Scroll down the page, then click on The Beginning Blogger's Bible. It will download automatically.

Let me know what you think.

Stephen Palmer said...

Oh, I should also point out how generous I'm being, considering that you un-friended me on Facebook. ;-)

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