Tuesday, June 2, 2009

A little secret...

Trying on clothes has always been a bit of an emotional experience for me. I've never really been that pleased with my personal appearance and have never tried something on and felt amazing. In fact, after we had been married for a while Blaine gave me the green light to buy ANY clothing I wanted no matter the cost, because that is how rare it was that I found something I actually liked.

Lately I've been feeling that I dress like a bruise, a pregnant bruise no less. Black shirt, dark blue maternity pants. Drab. Lifeless. Once in a while I would spice things up and wear khaki's, but that's about it. All of my black shirts combined with still wearing maternity clothes was really starting to weigh me down. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you've forgotten how to do up a zipper and button buttons. Wouldn't you agree that I am way too young to succumb to wearing elastic waste pants for the rest of my life?

So I had finally had it. Last week I was going out to buy clothing. Just some solid color t-shirts, but of the not black variety. I set out and went to three stores, THREE just trying to find a simple t-shirt that actually fit me. I hate trying on clothes but at each store I anxiously grabbed handfuls of shirts and tried them all on eagerly. My giant smile would always quickly fade as I saw the muffin top protruding. I shrugged off the disappointment and ran to the next store...surely, SURELY there would be something. It's not like I was trying to win a fashion prize, I just wanted one shirt to help me not look like dying flesh.

Tears started welling as I left the second store and headed to my third and final destination. Target. Surely a target t-shirt from the old hag section would fit. Plus, it wouldn't be a total wash, I had a rain check for some cheap carrots to get while I was there. Got my carrots and walked over to try on some shirts. I was feeling a little confident so I also picked up a swimming suit to try on.

Went to the dressing room and, wow. That swimming suit was the last straw. Couldn't really hold back the tears. Already somewhat of an emotional mess I went to the checkout and handed the lady my five bags of carrots.

Then I rummaged around for my rain check that I had had in my hand five minutes earlier. * rummage rummage * "oh, huh, it's got to be in here somewhere". * Frantic panic looking * "No, really, I just had it!". The store employee was not amused. And when I was sure that the rain check could not be found, I just couldn't take it any more. Big fat alligator tears.

And then more tears on top of that because I felt so stupid feeling sorry for myself over something as silly as clothing and overpriced carrots. Am I really that vain?

Big sigh.

I found Blaine at home all big eyed and anxious to see my new attire. It certainly must be no fun being married to the bruise lady.

He stopped halfway through his sentence.."I can't wait to see a fashion showwwwwohhh shoot, are you okay?"

Tears, wailing, gnashing of teeth and ripping of maternity panels.

Then Blaine had an epiphany. "Maybe," he said as carefully as if he were walking barefoot on broken glass, "maybe the reason you can't find anything is..."

"BECAUSE I'M FAT" I wailed

"No, maybe it is because you aren't willing to spend more than four dollars on a shirt. Maybe if you went to a nice store and didn't look at the price tag, maybe you could find something you like"

Pick your jaws up off of the floor ladies, he's all mine!

So the next day with renewed spirits I walked in to a newly opened Maurice's. I didn't look at price tags (well, I did but tried to not think about it). It was so amazing, I found many many shirts and pants that fit me well! No muffin top, no shirts stretched to the point of ripping! Buttons and zippers and colors!

I knew it would be expensive but it was worth it. I deserved it. Anyone who has identical twins born 16 months apart deserves a shopping spree. I can do this. Just don't think about it, hand over the credit card, we'll find a way to pay for it.

"That will be TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY DOLLARS"

Um.

"Uh...I'm going to have to put some of this back" I explained as I tried to restrain myself from vomiting on the counter top.

I put back most of the things but still wound up with several really cute shirts. I was thrilled!

The next day, in an attempt to get some non-maternity pants, I hit up Kohl's Memorial Day sale.

I tend to gravitate to the junior's section, after all, I am not really in to sequins and stuff.

Tears. I tried on pants that were two sizes bigger than my fat pants and I couldn't get the dang buttons to do up, my muffin top was THAT bad.

After an hour of trying to cram myself into Juniors clothes I reluctantly meandered over to the fuddy-dud section (ie "womens"). I found some that didn't look too ridiculous and as I was trying them on I saw a tag pop out that said something about "secret slimming panels".

Secret, slimming panels? Seriously? Praise you fuddy-duds, praise you!

I started out trying on the size that is two sizes bigger than my fat pants and...voila! They were huge, ginormous! I went back and wound up getting the capris that were a size smaller than my fat pants and, thanks to my secret slimming panels and regular waist height (as opposed to "ultra-super-ridiculously low rise" in the juniors section), there is no muffin top! Non!

And the moral of the story is that as much as I don't like to think of myself as a fuddy-dud, having three kids was my one-way ticket into that club.

But the fuddies are really on to something with those secretly slimming panels and now I am embracing my inner (or should I say outer?) fuddydudness. Seriously, if childbirth has left you down and out (pun intended), go check them out. Just shoot me if I ever start wearing sequins and embroidered sweaters before I am 50, no no, make that 80.

17 comments:

Tom said...

Once again, you remind me of my wife. The only way I can ever get her to buy clothes for herself is if I take out a few undred dollars, hold it up in front of her and say..."you either buy clothes with this or I'm buying video games with it...and I want to see reciepts".

Jan said...

Welcome to club fuddy duddy :)
It's not so bad really, it just takes an understanding, as hard as it is, to realize that childbirth has changed our body shape forever.

Rasmussen Family said...

I went through the same thing a month ago. Kevin said the same thing, "Buy anything you want!" He too was sick of my old clothes from 2001. I found some things that I loved then went to a "Teen" store. I don't think I'm that old. Ya, I tried on pants 5 sizes bigger than what I just bought, and couldn't get them over my fat butt. 5 Sizes!!! I have given up tring to be cool.

Stephanie T said...

Yeah for finding clothes that fit you and make you feel gorgeous!

As for the bargain shopping. You should really try Macy's. Sounds like major $$$ but really, I have gotten many fabulous T's, skirts, cardigans, and pants for under $10. And the best part it isn't flimsy, shrink or fade type of clothes. It's nice last 8 years kinds of clothes.

They have an enormous clearance section that rotates huge amounts of clothes at least once a month. But go to Lakeline, it's easier to find the deals. They keep it all in a alleyway down the whole side of the store.

julianne orth said...

I love maurices, it is actually a good store that is in price. they are really expensive though. but i shop there ALOT so i will give you a hint, they clearance stuff every fall and spring. I get shirts there for like $5, you just need to go in there every month or two and see if they have started to put stuff on clearance yet. and just so you know, I don't shop in Juniors either. I still feel ok about my body, but I have thrown out almost all my clothes even from before I got pregnant with Kyler. My body is just different, I have a muffin top, my legs are flabby, my boobs keep getting smaller- it just happens, don't feel bad. I feel fat when I wear my old clothes. I have just realized I have to shop in grown up stores. Do you watch "what not to wear" on TLC- you should if you don't, it really helps show you what looks good for your body type.

julianne orth said...

oh, and that was really sweet of blaine, he is right too :)

Corbett Family said...

I've been wearing clothes from the fuddy-dud section since even before I had kids because even when I was my thinnest--which no one here has ever seen--I still had a muffin top in Junior clothes (that tells you that they aren't made for anyone with curves). I can never buy pants from certain stores since they are always too low rise (i.e. Old Navy), so I just don't try any more. Too depressing!

Gretchen said...

I haven't fit in juniors sizes since I was like under 14. We can't all be Ralphie... ;)

Angela said...

I really feel for you when I read about the depressing dressing room episodes. I'm glad to know the tip about not shopping in juniors any more. It's funny how emotional clothes can be. They really do make the difference between looking amazing and looking awful. I am newly motivated to throw out a bunch of stuff (shirts, mostly) that just don't cut it anymore. Time to stop hoping I'm going to look like I did when I was 17 again... and be okay with that!

Janae said...

I am glad that you bought the clothes. I am a real fuddy duddy, but not because I want to be. I can't find anything to wear. I just ordered a ton of stuff online. I need to go try it all on...although I admit I am a tad bit scared. Scared of the tears. I could have written this post exactly.

Sheen Family said...

1 - You're hilarious!

2 - Can I take you shopping? You're like a quarter of my size and if I can find things that look somewhat ok on me - we can find a MILLION things that you look amazing in!! And we don't shop in the "women's" section - because in more stores, that is for 24+ sizes. We just shop in stores that make clothes that make clothes for ladies who have given birth!!

Seriously - let's go shopping. 2 moms and (if I do things according to your math ; )) one set of triplets born 17 months apart, a set of twins born 16 months apart and one singleton! We can handle it!

Wendy said...

Fun blog! You need to go shopping with Janey when you are here. I swear she doesn't even know that there are price tags on the clothes (and I gave birth to her!) I'm glad Blaine is nice to you. Way to go Blaine!

Stefanie Miller said...

Oh, Kris, you really scored on these blog posts. The tears are rolling now. One of the things I admire most about you is your sense of humor. Seriously. Could I have just, like, a tenth of your sense of humor? Especially the way you're able to laugh at yourself. You'll live a lot longer with that kind of attitude. Oh, and I'm really glad you found some cute clothes. And Blaine, what a guy!

Karina said...

Yes, yes, yes, I've been there, Kristi, in every way I've been there, down to Steve telling me to go to a more expensive store and find something truly nice.

I'm glad this story had a happy ending :)

Courtney said...

Kristi I feel your pain! I cry everytime I have a new baby and am left with the flub. And maybe when you come stay with me we should hit up kohl's on your way to DC that will break up your trip.

Annie Banannie said...

Yay you went to Maurices!!!!!! ALL of my clothes are from there, they have way cute stuff and excellent return policies! :D And shoes! And purses! And sunglasses! And perfume! I keep hoping i'll spend enough money there that one day they will just give me ownership of the store.

Susie said...

Bless Blaine! He needs to write a husband's advice column in the same magazine that publishes your witty renditions of situations we can all relate to.
Love,
Smom