You say tomato I say hillbilly.

Ever have one of those days. You know...the kind that make you want to look around innocently and ask, "Whose kids are those?? They are unfit to be in public!"

It all started when we went to Costco. We walked in the door and Ivy started sca-reaming. I mean, I am the first to admit that Ivy is an angel baby. Nary a peep from the girl. She is so good in fact that I can count the number of times on two fingers that she has even spit up. She's that good. So the Costco screamfest of 09 was kinda freaking me out. I don't mind if my kids scream and act crazy, what I do mind are the eye rolls and scoffs of passersby. Jerks. Ever try walking through Costco with one kid clinging to your pant leg, crying because you bypassed the 5000 pack of fruitsnacks, one kid in the cart throwing out all of your groceries as you walk, and one very very very screaming newborn who lacks the neck support to hold up her own head, so you can't really bend over and pick up your milk because her head will snap off if you don't use one hand to hold her and the other to hold her bobble head. And it just so happens to be the one time in your career of being a mother of three that you didn't bring your snugli because you were kind of sick of feeling like you are pregnant ALL of the time.

And then you find out that they don't sell your favorite kind of chicken at Costco.

And then you nearly die of heart failure on the way home when your four year old informs you that your newborn is turning purple in the backseat of the car.

Then you manage to get home and get all the groceries in (Ivy still screaming in the background, what the?). But since Costco doesn't sell good chicken you have nothing to make for dinner even though you just spent about a million dollars at the store (I hate that about going to Costco, you still have to go to a regular store afterwards). Then your husband comes home and opens the cool little yellow tomatoes you bought and incidentally dumps half of them on the floor...

and one of them rolls under the stove, which leads to an hour long cleansing of under the stove and you feel a little bit like you should have been wearing a spacesuit or something to keep out the noxious fumes of all the disgusting yuckies that were found back there. (but hey the good news is we found the illusive missing "P" from our fridge magnetic letters!)

And just then you think, hey, I should make spaghetti for dinner but your thoughts are interrupted by...

*CRASH*

* SCREAM*

And you walk in the pantry to find Bentley covered in blood from head to toe, but then you notice the blood smells a lot like spaghetti sauce, and you're kind of glad it's not blood, but kind of sad that it was your last jar of spaghetti sauce.

But then there was a little blood because you stepped on some glass on the way in there (alright, that part didn't really happen, but easily could have)

And you think, it's okay, I'll just look in my favorite cookbook where none of the recipes take more than thirty minutes, I will feed this family, I am superwoman! But then you realize that somewhere in the hullaballooo the cookbook got plastered with spaghetti sauce.

Then you turn around to see that Bentley has learned how to climb up on his high chair and is balancing precariously and is likely to come crashing down on your hard tile floor.

So you decide to go to dinner. You deserve it.

And HOORAY you have a coupon plus half priced appetizers if you get there before seven! This day is starting to turn around! Woohoo!

You run, you scold, you drive like mad.

Hooray, it doesn't look crowded at all, we're going to make it! Wait...there's no one here, is this place any good? WAIT there are like not even employees here. It's closed? Closed! Egh....dang economy.

Okay, on to the next restaurant. Your quick jaunt to dinner is really turning into something now.

Your exhausted toddler and preschooler join the chorus of screams and whines STILL coming from your newborn.

You battle with the preschooler to stop acting insane when you realize that she is not wearing shoes, or socks. And you distinctly recall seeing a sign on the door that read something like "no shoes no shirt no dignity" or something.

When more than half of your dinner party isn't wearing shoes and the other half have glazed over eyes and earplugs in...I don't know, you just kind of feel a bit like ....hillbillies I guess.

Then as you collapse, exhausted and ready to quit your job (being a mom) and watch "Marley and Me" you realize that these are the days that you are going to remember. The days you are going to miss. As hard as it is to believe now, you will miss this and long for the days of spaghetti sauce kisses and working so hard to just survive the day. I have no doubt that one day, in the very far future ( : ) ) I will miss the chaos and the craziness and being supermom.

Anyway, it wasn't a bad day, just remarkably chaotic and really memorable and it all started with a tomato.

Tomatoes and I have a history. Speaking of...2/3 of my tomato plants are dead.

Gotta run. Here's hoping for no catastrophes today of the human or vegetable variety!

Panic

Have you ever felt your heart actually stop beating? It hurts, and scares the living daylights out of you. I can think of two instances in particular where I am pretty sure my heart has skipped a beat...or two...or three.

The first is today. We went to Costco with a friend and shortly after entering the store Ivy started a cry fest that lasted the duration of our Costco trip and half of the ride home. I had just noticed that the incessant screaming had stopped and about two minutes later I hear Gwen say, "Wow Mom! Ivy's lips are PURPLE". And I am thinking, oh my gosh, she is suffocating or choking or something and that is why she stopped screaming, I am a horrible mother! SLAM on the breaks, tear off my seat belt and lunge to the backseat to see a smiling baby with very much pink lips. Mental note...teach Gwen the difference between pink and purple.

The second time happened about a year ago. Bentley was new to playing in his saucer and I would stick him in it upstairs while I would come down here and blog clean. I felt a bit guilty but on the other hand, he seemed happy and I always checked to make sure there were no choking hazards within reach or on his saucer. Anyway, one day I was down here blogging away meticulously scrubbing the floors when I heard Gwen from upstairs say, "MOM! MOM! Bentley is turning all red!". I bolted upstairs with my heart pounding in my chest and found Bentley and he was red, but so was the entire room. The sun was just shining through our new bright red ikea curtains. Talk about hearts stopping in chests. Whew...

I guess my heart kind of skipped a beat today when Gwen, in the car, said..."Mom, you have two daughters, one husband, one boy dog, and one son...and another son in the sky". Since I know kids have divine intuition or whatever I was thinking, oh no...not again! I need more time. I'll have another baby, but please please, just a few more years, or at the very least a few more months (note: I mean at the very very very very very least)! It took me entirely too long to realize that she meant the "sun" in the sky and not a future brother in the sky. Thank goodness!!

Whoopsie

Hate to be this guy!

Yoyo Muffin Top Monday

This week was a total and complete disaster.

It all started with the chocolate mint cupcakes they had at mutual. They had little pieces of andes mints in them. So I ate two. Then, you know, I had spent all that time making the homemade oreos, so I had one of them too. Then I can't remember what happened Wednesday but it involved another treat. Having both treats used up by Wednesday is not a happy place to be in. Janssen was out of town on Wednesday and Ralphie can't make it to the gym on Wednesdays so I didn't go. Then Thursday I helped stuff the Easter eggs for our HOA Easter party and...yeah, well, I'm not superwoman folks. Then Saturday I had a little psychotic..ummm "episode" and my awesome husband brought home flowers and ice cream. I've begged him incessently for like five years to do stuff like that, so like I was going to turn it down. Then on Sunday, well....Janssen made mint brownies for crying out loud. And you guessed it, I couldn't find the time during my "episode" to go to the gym.

So, one trip to the gym, about a thousand treats...and yup, my weight went back up to 137lbs.

Stupid scale.

Stupid gym.

Stupid choclately things with mints in them.

The good news though is that today marks the beginning of a new week. I went to the gym and burned way more calories than usual (which means I burned like 260 instead of 200, but hey, progress!) and I am committed to the treat thing again. I am back on the bandwagon folks.

Ebay

I got $12 worth of formula coupons in the mail the other day, and just as I was about to throw them in the recycling I thought, hey...maybe someone else could use these. So I checked ebay and surely enough people were selling their coupons. So I listed them. My auction still has a day left but the bid is up to almost $7, and to think I almost threw them out!

Of course I do feel a bit guilty that I didn't just give them away to someone too.

Maybe I can do something charitable with my winnings?

Hmmm....

Average

My bottons are bursting, and it's not just because of my muffin top!

I have an average child!

Ivy is exactly in the 50th percentile for everything! It's so grand! So...normal! So not MRI worthy!

She only weighs 10.3lbs, usually by two months my kids are nearing the 20 lb mark. She's so lovely and I love that I don't have to worry about another huge noggin.

Bentley on the otherhand....

Well first off he is stubborn as a mule and even though he has been taking steps and walking a bit for about two weeks now he wouldn't do a durn thing for the doctor.

Doctor: So, does he know about 5 words or so?
Me: Oh yeah! He knows like ten, at least!
Me: Come on Ben, say Uh Oh
Ben: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SCREAM
Me: * nervous chuckle * Oh, he must be nervous, *cough * um...hey Bentley, say mama
Ben: gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa scream
Me: I promise he's very bright, see, watch this...Bentley, where are your toes?
Ben: *sticks out tongue and spits *
Doctor: *rummaging through MRI images* well on MRI his brain appears normal, we'll keep an eye on him.

It went much the same with the walking bit. He walked about as well as Ivy does.

Oh well, at least Ivy doesn't have a huge noggin!

April Fools

Today I invited no less than twenty moms and their kids to join me for lunch at the park at 11:30AM.

And I didn't show up.

APRIL FOOLS to them! Ha ha ha ha

Except I didn't plan it that way. I got all of my kids ready, had a lunch packed, sunscreen on, sunhats out, diaper bag packed....got out to the car and then noticed that all of my carseats were gone.

Blaine took the kids somewhere yesterday and left the carseats in his car. Either that or he played me for a fool. If he did it on purpose he's a dead man.