Thursday, November 4, 2010

Locker Room

I grew up in a family of five. But it was kind of a weird family of five because I had three siblings who were, WAY older ( I may be slightly off here but I believe my older siblings were ages 17, 14 and 13 when I was born). And the brother who was just four years older than me... well lets just say that for all intents and purposes I was basically an only child, with some of the joys of having siblings thrown in there like being impaled by horse chestnuts* each fall and having to look at him turn his eyelids inside out while in the backseat of the car (gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking back on it).

What I am trying to say here, is that I never learned how to be a girl. Really, I didn't. I mean sure, I would sneak off with Stef at recess and discuss the intricacies of menstruation. But I didn't exactly have anyone around who I could mimic- learn the ins and outs of being cool, of boys, and most importantly of things like make-up.

I mean, sure, I tried to mimic my mom, but when I did that I wound up shaving off an eyebrow and cutting my eyelashes off. Still not sure what happened there, but I was just trying to do something that my mom did.

What I lacked was someone two or three years older who was infinitely cooler than myself, who could be my mentor, and I simply didn't have that.

The moral of the story is that the locker room at the gym baffles me. There are people in there primping and prepping in ways that I never even imagined. People probably think it's a bit odd to see me gawking as they pucker up and apply layers of make-up, but....I still don't know how.

Basically what I am getting at here is.... I saw someone blowdrying their eyelashes yesterday. And I don't understand why. Is this something I should be doing? I am kind of panicky about it because I can sense a revisiting of the whole "shave the eyebrow" incident, only this time involving fire and eyesight impairment rather than just social suicide.

What else am I missing out on? And for the love, will someone just invite me over for a sleepover and teach me the fine art of putting on eyeshadow? I'm 28 years old, I think it's time I know.

*What is a horse chestnut you ask? The most ridiculous, pointless, stupid kind of nut there is. It's like a poisonous nut wrapped in, basically, the thorniest, pokiest, weapon like shell. We had a giant horse chestnut tree out back which rendered our backyard completely useless. Give me fire ants any day. Apparently it is tradition in our family to pass on a horse chestnut tree start to your posterity while on your death bed. It's totally beyond me. Not only will I burn the start if I ever get one, I will also take the opportunity (probably before memorial services are even complete) of destroying my parents tree. Whew...I've got some pent up issues here.


Karina said...

lol hahahahaha

Emily said...

ooh I like napoblomo. It's uncovering all the good stuff.

Emily said...

p.s. I learned how to do eyeshadow off the makeup brush kit from Costco. It comes with directions! I only wear it like once a year but at least now I know the secret.

G said...

I have all the same problems because I'm the oldest and my mom is a total tomboy. She occasionally wears lipstick to church and that's mostly it. I guess that's not true. She wears makeup sometimes now because she learned how to use it from my sister and I.

This is why I joined the colorguard in high school. Big group of girls and required makeup wearing. Still feel like I'm trying to learn, so I totally understand.

Come visit and we'll stay up late and share our hard-earned girly knowledge with each other!

Wendy said...

I liked this post because I can relate! I have sisters, but I guess make-up wasn't our thing. Once on a cruise, Nancy, Karen and I noticed a class being offered at the spa on how to put on your make-up in 10 minutes. We were trying to figure out why it would take that long!

JoAnna said...

Haha!! Great post and great comments!

This blowdrying the eyelashes thing?? Never heard of that one!!

So you may shudder at the thought, but I totally recommend going to the make-up counters in a department store and asking them to teach you how to do your make-up. They are usually free with a minimum purchase, but hey! You get make-up and great tips out of it! You will walk away feeling like a clown (even though you more than likely won't look like one) and you will rush to the nearest kleenex to wipe it all off, but you will have learned some good stuff too. Even if it is just that you really don't care about learning anything about make-up after all.

Stef Bassett said...

Kris, you are so funny and a great writer. I don't know about blow drying eyelashes, what the heck? :)

Angela said...

Bahahaha. You are the best.

Jan said...

BTW You haven't picked up your start of a horse Chestnut, I'm beginning to think you don't want it!

And just to set the record straight Not once did I ever cut off my eyelashes, shaved my eyebrows yes but NEVER cut off the eyelashes :)

Stefanie Miller said...

Kris! I'm not used to checking your blog so much. I got behind. Guess what? Your posts are making me laugh as much as they ever did! I've missed them/you! I also love the great memories you bring back, like your horse chestnut tree, recess talks, scary brothers... I remember you shaving your widow's peak but not your eyebrows... I think you may have blogged about that already. Anyway, wow, this is great. Thanks so much for the deep thoughts. Good to have you back on your blog.