Friday, November 7, 2008

Deafening

Remember how the blog all started? You may have noticed an absence of posts from my blog for the last couple of weeks, and most of it has to do with the fact that I am not as well humored as I was when I started the blog over a year ago. I pride myself in not taking myself too seriously. I like to laugh at the stupid things that I do , and pride myself in being able to find the funny in even the most trying of circumstances. And that, my friends, is why I haven't written a blog post. I can't find the funny.... I can tell that it would be funny but I think the hormones of pregnancy are messing with whatever part of my brain thinks public humiliation is funny.

It all started with my most recent run in with the law. The children and I were napping and someone rang the doorbell. Since I think people who ring the doorbell when they know you have napping age children should have their eyebrows plucked hair by hair, I was upset. So I didn't answer the door. Figured it was just a neighbor kid. So Blaine comes home a couple of hours later and as he enters the door asks... "um, did someone ring the doorbell at like 3 o'clock" to which I responded, "yeah, dang neighbors". To which he replied with a nervous chuckle, "try dang POLICEMAN". Yabbity whobity whatty? Police? So I am thinking maybe they want to ask me about suspicious characters seen traipsing about the neighborhood or something. Nope. They were coming to give me a $500 fine because me dogs were barking. In the middle of the day. Whilst I was hosting a visiting teaching lunch.

Have I mentioned that I have this lovely saying crocheted and hanging above my fireplace...


Need another example? I volunteered to decorate some cupcakes for our neighborhood HOA party the day prior to the aforementioned run in with the law. Blaine and I stayed up late and made some cool looking cupcakes (I use the word "cool" very loosely here). When we finally finished, near midnight, I packed up all of the supplies and put them in a grocery bag on my table. My friend came to pick them up the next day......and lo and behold, I guess the BLACK food coloring lid wasn't on tight because now my table looks like this....


Luckily after like a thousand attempts to get it off it's green instead of black, right? Hmm. I love how I do stuff like this when my mother-in-law is about to visit (you all remember the door, right?). Anyway, so I have two cases in which charity will faileth you. (Don't think I am a sacrilege, I know that overall in the giant scheme of things a charitable attitude is the way to go----someone want to donate a nice big kitchen table to me?)

So those incidents were fresh on my mind the other day when I took the numbskulls to get their shots. The numbskull dogs, not my children, still love them ; ). Since they chew through their leashes half the time and the other half run so hard against me that their leashes just break apart....I only had one leash, which had been broken and tied back together two times, with which to take them to the vet. I gathered up my courage and happy attitude and sang praises to my van on the whole thirty minute drive to the vet. I had both children, the sun was shining. Life was great.

So I get Bentley in the stroller, grab Gwen by one hand and had both dogs attached helter skelter to one leash. As I approach the vets door Swiper pulls a fast one on me and runs out onto the highway. Nice. Which leaves me with one dog on a leash trying his darndest to follow his brother and two children who will be squished by the door if I let go. And a big fat huge pregnant belly, which just complicates things and makes me look like a woman who has bitten off WAY more than she can chew. Some nice old lady attempts to come help me at which point Boots jumps into protective dog mode and like tries to attack her. I finally push my children to her and run and catch my dog...just in time for Boots to snap free. "Everyone look at that pregnant lady chase her two dogs! Someone get a video camera". I finally round them up and of course there are like a megazillion humongous dogs sitting in the vets office, so my dogs are on the defensive and bark their heads off. Nonstop. I try to smile and crack jokes, but it gets harder as people scoot away from me and roll their eyes and whisper to the person next to them all too loudly.

I wanted to stand up on the bench and shout "I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS!" I know I am pregnant and that I have no control over anything or anyone in my life, but quit making me feel bad. I am excited about the baby and I already love her but man I HATE the looks people give me just for being pregnant with two little ones in tow. I can't blame the people who gave me weird looks for having two children and two dogs. My kids though, are really really well behaved. They were playing and laughing at the vets office, even making me smile, but others were just annoyed at my presence.

Anyway, TWO hours later. Not kidding. They called me back. Two full hours of barking. Back in the tiny waiting room the dogs stopped barking and started pooping. And Bentley decided it was his nap time so commenced screaming his head off. We were covered in dog hair since Gwen thought it was a good idea to lay on the floor of the vets office. I finally calmed Bentley down with a sucker, which he stuck IN HIS HAIR. And thirty minutes later the tears just started to flow. Screaming kids, barking pooping dogs, fatigue. I wanted to just leave and go back to junior high, eat a hostess cupcake and hop in bed and have someone take care of me. Then the vet walked in..."oh boy looks like you have your hands full today, can I give them a sucker"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! NO YOU CANNOT GIVE THEM A SUCKER"
"really they can have one" he chortled
"They've had ten thousand suckers since we have been here three hours and they are sticking them in their hair and dropping them on your dog hair covered floor and then eating them again. Give my dogs their shots and let me leave!"

SCREAM

I think the main problem was that I was really worried about Blaine. See he went to the doctors like two weeks ago for a physical. They said that they would call if there was anything to worry about, but to just expect a letter if everything was fine. Weeks passed and finally I had gotten a letter. It sat on the counter for a couple of days and I had opened it just before leaving for the vet. "URGENT, we have been trying to contact you! Please call our office immediately". Oh. My. Gosh. Blaine is going to die! And he is going to leave me with three children and two dogs. I was pretty sure Blaine was going to be diagnosed with some rare disease and they wouldn't talk to me over the phone so Blaine had to actually call in and he was in classes all day and....

SCREAM.

Turns out he has high triglycerides. It makes you feel fantastic when your one job in life is to feed your family and it turns out you are killing them by feeding them too much fat.

Could not find the funny folks. So I apologize for lack of blog posting. I really didn't want to write this unfunny, poor poor me post. I know things could be worse. I really do. And I think that is why I feel so guilty feeling like I had a bad week, or day even, because really I have a great life. So I should be able to find the funny. And I will. I will find the funny and I will post about it later. I just wanted to explain my absence.

You know what is extra sad? We ran into the Wilkinson family (who has quintuplets) on Halloween and I totally wanted a picture of them with Bentley, so I asked and Rachel (the mom) was so nice and then we talked for a minute and I actually, sit down, found myself complaining to the mother of quintuplets. Are you kidding me? Wow.


And shush, I know it's a weird costume, but it was $2 at a garage sale. Zip it.

Anyway, funny blog post coming. I will find the funny. That's my new motto.

29 comments:

Jennifer said...

Oh Kristi, you are entitled to a little poor me every now and then. I would say it was definitely warranted. I seriously would hate to be in your shoes. I can barely handle my 2 these day. I can't imagine being pregnant and the dogs. (Believe me, I know about dogs, that's why I got rid of mine right after Lili was born)

Oh, and by the way, don't cut Blaine's fats (at least not the good fats) it's sugar that raises cholesterol. =) (You know I had to throw that in)

Gretchen said...

I'm sorry. I don't know what to say other than that I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets incredibly discouraged sometimes.

Strong Family - said...

#1 - I'm so sorry you got a fine because my kids are terrified of dogs. Really, really sorry.

#2 - I totally understand the looks you get when you have 2 kids and pregnant. Except I didn't have 2 dogs. Good luck girl. Please let me watch your kids the next time you go to the vet!

Ralphie said...

Okay, sorry, but this is about the best post you have ever written!
You are the most eloquent complainer I know. Not that I want to see more like this in the future.

I'm just sayin'.

TheMoncurs said...

Boy howdy do I feel for you. I was just about to write a poor me post too, but yours is actually worse, so I'm going to shut my trap and revel in your misery as well as my own.

It'll all probably be funny in a couple years.

(maybe)

marisa said...

suckers in the hair and running after dogs pregnant is funny enough for me!

Sarah said...

You want something to laugh at? Try this: I get out of the shower this morning and find that Claire had gotten into toothepaste (I had forgotten to take it to Enrichment last night) and decided to paint herself blue with it. She squeezed out the whole tube - onto our carpet and herself 5 minutes before we were supposed to leave for a doctor's appointment for the baby. She looked like a baby blue man group wannabe. I rushed to get her cleaned up and redressed and cleaned up what I could off the carpet. When we got home, I must admit, the minty fresh scent was refreshing rather than the motel 6 smell we usually get to greet us. I hope that helps a little. I think you are great and don't worry about what other people think. Next time you need to take the dogs somewhere or have a doctor's appointment, feel free to give me a call and bring over the kids. We are home and we'd love some company. Seriously!

chelon:) said...

one word.....WOW!!

if you moved to utah, then seeing you and your fam at the vets like that wouldn't even give you a second glance!!! :)

i get the glares and the stares constantly!!

keep smiling...you know that everyone only wishes they had what you have!! you are awesome!

Emily said...

So you didn't like actually scream at the vet, right?

Kristi said...

I sure did in my mind, I don't know that it actually came out though, other than the very real tears streaming down my cheeks : )

And to clarify, I got the $500 fine warning. So no fine this time, now I just have to go outside and watch my dogs do their business and then bring them directly inside so they won't bark. Awesome.

Emily said...

I was just thinking of getting a dog but I never think of stuff like vets and dog hair suckers and $500 warnings. Thanks for the reminder.

So if you had actually had to pay the $500 would you get rid of the dogs? You could get a pretty good alarm system and few Fur Real puppies with that kind of money...

Holly and Brad said...

Krisit we need to hang out...I'm trying to find the funny too. Maybe we could look for it together while our kids run a muck while we sit and eat our sorrows awway. deal?

JoAnna said...

W-O-W! Tis a season. Wallow in the misery. Things will be mch more manageable in a few years. PROMISE!!

Brooke said...

I'm sorry to admit I was laughing out loud while reading this to Eric tonight. It kind of seems surreal that so many things can happen to one person at one time though. We sure love you guys!

Stef Bassett said...

Kris, hey Nick had high trigylerides too right before we got married (he loves candy so much, so he may still have them). The Doc. said to eat fish and exercise and lay off the sweets! Sorry about the craziness at your house! Sounds wild!

Tres Chic Boutique said...

Hey congrats on the girl. That said, I understand to some degree what you are going through, and good luck. I feel like when this kid comes I am going to have to just keep myself in the house and not go anywhere. That will probably make it worse too, but ??? What to do?!

Sheyenne said...

Kristi,
I'm so sorry. You have every reason to whine. And cry. I would have cried too. And I have cried while pregnant and frustrated in a doctor's office before, and her advice to me was to not have any more children. Nice, huh? You're not alone sister.

Stephanie T said...

I am so sorry. Next time I make an extra comfort roast it is totally going to you!

Courtney said...

Fids it should get better.
I really enjoyed this post though :) It is definately ok to cry, I do it every where!

Andrea L. said...

Oh, Kristi - I love to read your blog. No fake stuff - just the REAL everyday happenings that can make us crazy or cry! :) I really love your "charity sometimes faileth" quote - good one to have. Don't worry about the food coloring on the table, it makes for good memories. Hope this week is better for you with Wendy there! Hope to see you at Christmas.

Shauna said...

Okay, I totally posted a comment on this post that is now totally not showing up. Something to do with passing, like, 5 tattoo shops on the way to the beach in California and asking Mike to pull over so I could get my "Charity Sometimes Faileth" tattoo to no avail. He wouldn't go for it. So, I had to go be a Relief Society president AGAIN today. (sigh) Plus, I think I also mentioned in my comment that Charlie pooped THREE times in my in-laws' house while we were in Disneyland. THREE! grr. I feel your pain, Sister. Why don't you add a Chihuahua mix named Charlie to that Craigslist ad of yours, eh? I'll pay you in peaches later...

Shauna said...

Oh, plus...Mike also was told he had high triglycerides a few years back. Stop copying me, will ya? :)

Jan said...

Now ya know why I don't have Dogs. I just have your bird and your cat and they both just said they want to come to Texas and live with you.

But I do empathise, I've been there and done that, and I'm still sane, and I'm still sane, and I'm still sane did I mention that I'm still sane?

Love, Mom

PS Wendy will still love you even if the table has a black mark on it.

McCulloch Family said...

Hi :)

I can help!!! (woo hoo!) Laundry stain remover (like Zout, for your clothes) worked great on my kitchen table that had red food coloring soaked into it by someone with a name that rhymes with "brebber". Let it sit and wipe, sit and wipe until it's all clean. Good luck!!!

julianne orth said...

well i thought it was hilarious, you might not. mostly because i have had way too many days like that, mostly at my shop when i know people are thinking "what is this girl doing?" and yes i get a lot of comments like "wow, you have your hands full" i just smile most the time but i feel like screaming and telling them to shut up, but of course i don't. I guess i am not the only one that looks around some days and thinks - I am completely out of control and everyone is looking at me! we still love you though!

julianne orth said...

oh, by the way. Sydney wrote on my old table and i got it off after much scrubbing with cleaning products, but i also took the finish off which looked far worse than the scribble marks. we got a new table (a darker one) and the girls were drawing and the marker leaked through... this time i left it alone and i just live with the black marks.

Aimee said...

Kristi, there was lots of funny in that post -- the suckers, the dogs, the pregnancy. And I promise that in 20 years, it will be all be funny to you, too. Here's another funny -- the characters I have to type in to post this comment is "to vent." Ironic, eh?

Wendy said...

Kristi, I should have read this BEFORE I came to visit, not AFTER. That way I would have been a better helper! You are a trooper and I'm sorry you endured all that. But I am glad that you wrote about it. I keep thinking how fun it will be for Gwen and Ben to read these blog entries someday

haley said...

Okay, I am sorry to say this, since I know how hard it must have been, but that was totally funny! I get those looks too when I go out in public with all the children. So I just quit going out. I admire your courage to go to the vet with dogs and kids in tow. You are amazing!