Deafening

Remember how the blog all started? You may have noticed an absence of posts from my blog for the last couple of weeks, and most of it has to do with the fact that I am not as well humored as I was when I started the blog over a year ago. I pride myself in not taking myself too seriously. I like to laugh at the stupid things that I do , and pride myself in being able to find the funny in even the most trying of circumstances. And that, my friends, is why I haven't written a blog post. I can't find the funny.... I can tell that it would be funny but I think the hormones of pregnancy are messing with whatever part of my brain thinks public humiliation is funny.

It all started with my most recent run in with the law. The children and I were napping and someone rang the doorbell. Since I think people who ring the doorbell when they know you have napping age children should have their eyebrows plucked hair by hair, I was upset. So I didn't answer the door. Figured it was just a neighbor kid. So Blaine comes home a couple of hours later and as he enters the door asks... "um, did someone ring the doorbell at like 3 o'clock" to which I responded, "yeah, dang neighbors". To which he replied with a nervous chuckle, "try dang POLICEMAN". Yabbity whobity whatty? Police? So I am thinking maybe they want to ask me about suspicious characters seen traipsing about the neighborhood or something. Nope. They were coming to give me a $500 fine because me dogs were barking. In the middle of the day. Whilst I was hosting a visiting teaching lunch.

Have I mentioned that I have this lovely saying crocheted and hanging above my fireplace...


Need another example? I volunteered to decorate some cupcakes for our neighborhood HOA party the day prior to the aforementioned run in with the law. Blaine and I stayed up late and made some cool looking cupcakes (I use the word "cool" very loosely here). When we finally finished, near midnight, I packed up all of the supplies and put them in a grocery bag on my table. My friend came to pick them up the next day......and lo and behold, I guess the BLACK food coloring lid wasn't on tight because now my table looks like this....


Luckily after like a thousand attempts to get it off it's green instead of black, right? Hmm. I love how I do stuff like this when my mother-in-law is about to visit (you all remember the door, right?). Anyway, so I have two cases in which charity will faileth you. (Don't think I am a sacrilege, I know that overall in the giant scheme of things a charitable attitude is the way to go----someone want to donate a nice big kitchen table to me?)

So those incidents were fresh on my mind the other day when I took the numbskulls to get their shots. The numbskull dogs, not my children, still love them ; ). Since they chew through their leashes half the time and the other half run so hard against me that their leashes just break apart....I only had one leash, which had been broken and tied back together two times, with which to take them to the vet. I gathered up my courage and happy attitude and sang praises to my van on the whole thirty minute drive to the vet. I had both children, the sun was shining. Life was great.

So I get Bentley in the stroller, grab Gwen by one hand and had both dogs attached helter skelter to one leash. As I approach the vets door Swiper pulls a fast one on me and runs out onto the highway. Nice. Which leaves me with one dog on a leash trying his darndest to follow his brother and two children who will be squished by the door if I let go. And a big fat huge pregnant belly, which just complicates things and makes me look like a woman who has bitten off WAY more than she can chew. Some nice old lady attempts to come help me at which point Boots jumps into protective dog mode and like tries to attack her. I finally push my children to her and run and catch my dog...just in time for Boots to snap free. "Everyone look at that pregnant lady chase her two dogs! Someone get a video camera". I finally round them up and of course there are like a megazillion humongous dogs sitting in the vets office, so my dogs are on the defensive and bark their heads off. Nonstop. I try to smile and crack jokes, but it gets harder as people scoot away from me and roll their eyes and whisper to the person next to them all too loudly.

I wanted to stand up on the bench and shout "I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS!" I know I am pregnant and that I have no control over anything or anyone in my life, but quit making me feel bad. I am excited about the baby and I already love her but man I HATE the looks people give me just for being pregnant with two little ones in tow. I can't blame the people who gave me weird looks for having two children and two dogs. My kids though, are really really well behaved. They were playing and laughing at the vets office, even making me smile, but others were just annoyed at my presence.

Anyway, TWO hours later. Not kidding. They called me back. Two full hours of barking. Back in the tiny waiting room the dogs stopped barking and started pooping. And Bentley decided it was his nap time so commenced screaming his head off. We were covered in dog hair since Gwen thought it was a good idea to lay on the floor of the vets office. I finally calmed Bentley down with a sucker, which he stuck IN HIS HAIR. And thirty minutes later the tears just started to flow. Screaming kids, barking pooping dogs, fatigue. I wanted to just leave and go back to junior high, eat a hostess cupcake and hop in bed and have someone take care of me. Then the vet walked in..."oh boy looks like you have your hands full today, can I give them a sucker"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! NO YOU CANNOT GIVE THEM A SUCKER"
"really they can have one" he chortled
"They've had ten thousand suckers since we have been here three hours and they are sticking them in their hair and dropping them on your dog hair covered floor and then eating them again. Give my dogs their shots and let me leave!"

SCREAM

I think the main problem was that I was really worried about Blaine. See he went to the doctors like two weeks ago for a physical. They said that they would call if there was anything to worry about, but to just expect a letter if everything was fine. Weeks passed and finally I had gotten a letter. It sat on the counter for a couple of days and I had opened it just before leaving for the vet. "URGENT, we have been trying to contact you! Please call our office immediately". Oh. My. Gosh. Blaine is going to die! And he is going to leave me with three children and two dogs. I was pretty sure Blaine was going to be diagnosed with some rare disease and they wouldn't talk to me over the phone so Blaine had to actually call in and he was in classes all day and....

SCREAM.

Turns out he has high triglycerides. It makes you feel fantastic when your one job in life is to feed your family and it turns out you are killing them by feeding them too much fat.

Could not find the funny folks. So I apologize for lack of blog posting. I really didn't want to write this unfunny, poor poor me post. I know things could be worse. I really do. And I think that is why I feel so guilty feeling like I had a bad week, or day even, because really I have a great life. So I should be able to find the funny. And I will. I will find the funny and I will post about it later. I just wanted to explain my absence.

You know what is extra sad? We ran into the Wilkinson family (who has quintuplets) on Halloween and I totally wanted a picture of them with Bentley, so I asked and Rachel (the mom) was so nice and then we talked for a minute and I actually, sit down, found myself complaining to the mother of quintuplets. Are you kidding me? Wow.


And shush, I know it's a weird costume, but it was $2 at a garage sale. Zip it.

Anyway, funny blog post coming. I will find the funny. That's my new motto.