Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Serenity Now!

Don't you love it when. . .

Your cute little son decides to have an all night temper tantrum. You know, the kind where he is not consoled by pacifier, food, cuddles or anything. Somehow you find a way to drag yourself out of bed to kiss your husband goodbye (he was nice enough to get your toddler breakfast, thank you!), and then try to compose yourself for a busy day full of preparing your house for guests coming at 5 and grocery shopping for all of the food for Turkey Day. You feed both the children and drive off to the store. You are pleased to find that it looks like there is some way to get a free turkey. Unfortunately it requires buying a $25 ham in order to get a free $8 turkey. You are not in charge of the ham. Can't pass a good deal up though so you decide to buy the ham. Then you go search for the free turkey (has to be under 10 lbs). Your frostbit fingers dig through the endless piles of turkey. . .12 lbs. . . .13 lbs. . . . 15 lbs. . . . where are all the 10 lb turkeys? You see a small one, way in the back of the enormous freezer. You are about to dive in when the old lady next to you comments to you that she can't seem to find a small enough turkey. You literally dive into the freezer (literally your feet are off the ground and you are hoping that no one is kidnapping your children from the cart that you can't see because you are headfirst and rump deep in turkey gizzards). You find the golden 10lb bird, the free one. The only one. The one you dove into the freezer for and potentially will lose 8 of your 10 fingers to frostbite for. You hold the prize in your hands. You look at the old lady.

You look at the bird. The old lady bats her eyes. You look once again at the bird. Consult the little angel and the little devil sitting on your shoulder. You fork over the turkey. She shuffles off. "It's no problem, no need to thank me!" you mutter as she walks away. You hock your 15 lb not free turkey into your cart and walk away. Just then your infant son begins to cry, nay, wail. You rush hurriedly through the aisles throwing green beans and stuffing in at will. Passerbys can only come up with one thing to say, "Boy, he sure looks upset!". You think "Excellent observation!". He keeps screaming. They don't have buddy grams. He's still screaming. "Wow, he sure is loud" comments are flying at you left and right. You realize you forgot lettuce for tonight's dinner. "Ah to heck with it" who is going to notice that the Cafe Rio salads you have promised your guests don't have any lettuce.

Finally you've got your cart and head to the car. Kid is still screaming, other kid is trying relentlessly to get out of the cart and walk. You make it to the car. You seriously forgot your keys at the register? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Broken eardrums, broken spirits, and a 15 lb turkey and $25 ham later you make it home. Everyone is screaming. And the garage door won't open.

You realize you forgot to buy the earplugs, chocolate ice cream and bedroom door lock that are necessary to remedy the situation you currently find yourself in.

Oh Montego Bay! Where are you!


Katie Goulding Sierer said...

Kristi...everytime I read your blog I feel like I am going to wet my pants from laughing so hard.

You are so hilarious!

Janssen said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I will be very thankful for that turkey tomorrow.

Sheyenne said...

Oh man. I feel for you. Really really feel for you. And I'm so glad it's you and not me. I actually stopped by HEB today to pick up just a couple of things I needed still, and I had to park in the very furthest spot in the parking lot. I was SO glad I only needed a couple small things. And I was by myself!

Gretchen said...

Man, I feel for you too. I think having a baby should automatically qualify you for a "personal grocery shopper."

Engineman said...

And that right there is why we're not having more kids for a while (okay, and the whole pregnancy thing). Kyle cried non-stop for 4 months. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you.

It does get better! Especially now that I do all of my grocery shopping after 9 pm.
-love, Christina

Brianne said...

You are honestly one of the most amazing girls I know fids!! I totally can relate to this story!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! :) Thanks for making me laugh and know that I'm not the only one that has been through those types of situations. I think its such a great humbling experience.

Sarah said...

I had a similar experience at HEB plus that week. No turkeys under 14 lbs could be found and I seriously left my keys at the register too! That is too funny. I have noticed that grocery shoppers here get something similar to road rage... Have you noticed that too?